Rank Turd On Locker Room Bench

Sports Players Find Creative Ways To Maintain Their Competitive Edge During COVID-19 Breaks

Featured image (above): W.carter / Public domain and U3103844 / CC BY-SA 4.0


MAY 17, 2020 6:20 PM


It’s not the sound of a photograph. It’s the sound of pure competition.

For months, professional sports players have been out of major league competition due to COVID-19 interrupting a plethora of mid-seasons and the would-have-been start of new seasons alike. Athletes now have to be creative in order to maintain their competitive edge for when it’s time to step back up to the plate.

Ppppprrrrrrrrrrtttt. The noise echoed off the rows of smooth lockers and empty walls. The aroma of cheese hung fat in the air, sticking to the brown-stained paint. A sly smile sprawled across Scooty “Pootie” McBooty’s face.

“That was a good one!” he exclaimed proudly. “I’m going to the Final Fart Four for sure!” he shouted with glee. Pootie, pictured below, plays for the Boring Snorebags NFL team based out of Boring, Oregon. Him and the rest of the Snorebags boys were in the midst of a vigorous fart-off.

Scooty “Pootie” McBooty, number 12 quarterback for the Boring Snorebags, just ripped a good one and is proud of it; also is heading to the Final Fart Four in the team’s first ever Fart-Off Keith Allison from Hanover, MD, USA / CC BY-SA 2.0

The Snorebags’ Fart-Off wasn’t just about who could fart the loudest. Rather, points were awarded on a scale of 1-20 in various categories, with a perfect score being an even 100. Participants are judged based on the following five categories:

  1. Noise level: This is, of course, and important one. Generally speaking, the louder the better. However, a comedically timed little poof fart has its value as well. Spiking noise levels like machine-gun farts earn bonus points in this category.
  2. Stank level: Phew. Glad I’m not a judge for this competition. Anyway, you likely guessed it – the stankier, the better! Cheese, socks, mold, whatever, just bring on the pungent odors for maximum points here.
  3. Thickness: The thickness of a fart is how long it hangs and sits in the air, and how heavy it punches you in the face with it’s ass-breath. You either got it or you don’t.
  4. Brown Town: Sharts get you low points in this category, so don’t over-strain yourself! Keep your whitie-tighties nice and clean, and you’ll score high.
  5. Poo Humor: Is it a funny fart, or ain’t it? You just know when you hear it.

In case you were wondering, Pootie went on to win the Final Fart Four by total domination. The Snorebags’ locker room will never be the same after all those farts, but on the plus side the players are staying competitive for when the NFL play resumes after COVID-19 breaks.

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