Featured image: Electiontechnology at English Wikipedia / Public domain
BY GERRY M. ANDERING
JUNE 13, 2020 8:20 AM
Voters in America often don’t have the time or means to vote in person at voting booths or by mail-in ballots.
This 2020 Election, the country’s legislators have responded. Voters will now be afforded a number of new flexible voting options to cast their ballots, including:
- Homing Pigeons
- Sky Lanterns
- Hot Air Balloons
- Peyton Manning
Here’s some more information, comments from early adopters, and the pros and cons of each new option.
Steve, the homing pigeon owned by Timerthy Choonpuns, 38, carrying a ballot
Voters may send out homing pigeons to carry their ballots to the nearest Pigeon Drop Box.
“I’ve been doing some test runs with my homing pigeon, Steve” said Timerthy Choonpuns, 38. “He loves it. Drops the ballot right into the Pigeon Drop Box every single time. The only downside is they gotta clean up some poops, ya know” said Timerthy.
Pros: Dynamic, reliable, cute.
Cons: Lots of poop.
Tatiana Toothsom, 22, whips around her ballot by drone like it ain’t no thang
Voters may send their drones out to drop their ballots into the nearest designated Drone Zone bucket.
“It’s a lot of fun” said Tatiana Toothsom, 22. “My drone is pretty fast. I can whip it around like it ain’t no thang. Just gotta watch out for noob pilots who can’t fly. I’ve lost like, 8 drones already from crashes” she said.
Pros: Fun and fast.
Cons: Drone crashes may occur.
Megan Taylor Hayden McFarlane, 18, sends off her first vote ever by sky lantern
Voters may send off their ballots by sky lanterns and hope that they land in the nearest Sky Lantern Landfill Lot. Voters should note that ballots landing outside the limits of the 2′ by 4′ Lot will not be counted.
“Aren’t sky lanterns so beautiful?” said Megan Taylor Hayden McFarlane, 18. “It’s just such an epic way for me to cast my first vote this year. My voice is important and will be heard, whether people like it or not” she said.
Cons: Will probably land in the ocean and choke a whole fish family to death.
Hot Air Balloons
Wurner Winters, 63, sends his big damn balloon to carry off ’bout damn near 1,000,000 ballots
Voters may send off their ballots via hot air balloons to float off to the nearest Balloon Bonanza Base. Voters are cautioned to only place completed ballots into their balloons and please do not include other items such as babies.
“Biggest damn balloon ya ever seen, eh?” asked Wurner Winters, 63. “This thing can fit ’bout damn near a million ballots, I reckon” he said. “We just gotta figure out what to do with all these babies that people keep hiding under the ballots.”
Pros: Big ballot carrying capacity.
Cons: Perfect hiding place for babies.
Peyton Manning hucks Chuck Luck’s ballot for 6
Voters may call upon quarterback legend Peyton Manning to huck their ballots like a football over to the nearest Ballot End Zone Area. Estimated rate of completion is 65.3%.
“I was awe struck when he hucked my vote” said Chuck Luck, 34. “It was a perfect arc throw like you wouldn’t believe” he said.
Pros: It’s Peyton Manning!
Cons: None. The man is an American treasure.