Dimensia Bunns, 34

Speed-Boning, Marathon-Boning Confirmed to Make First Appearances at 2020 Olympic Games

Featured image: Mark McArdle from Canada / CC BY-SA 2.0

BY JEREMIE RONALD

JUNE 21, 2020 2:15 PM

Sports fans around the world have been sad to hear that the 2020 Olympic Games to be held in Tokyo, Japan, have been postponed for a year because of the COVID-19 pandemic.

However, a big positive is that the Olympic Game Creativity Committee will now have another year to put the final touches on the new games to be added.

For next year’s event, we already know many new games including 3×3 basketball, freestyle BMX, karate, surfing and skateboarding will all be making their Summer Olympic debuts. Most recently, it has also been confirmed that speed-boning and marathon-boning will also be added. Let’s explore these two fun new games we have to look forward to next year.

Speed-Boning

The purpose of Speed-Boning is simple and pretty self-explanatory. Each country will submit two-person teams. The competitors will engage in sexual intercourse, a.k.a. “Boning”, at the highest athletic level with the goal of reaching completion as fast as possible – hence, the “Speed.”

Competitors will be judged solely on speed rather than form or other elements of the game. Each male competitor must start the game flaccid, and each female competitor must start the game dry. No pre-fluffing or pre-lubing is permitted, and if such violations are found they will be penalized similar to doping or banned substances violations by athletes.

Ref with Stopwatch

Image: Videoplasty.com / CC BY-SA 4.0

Marathon-Boning

Marathon-Boning is the natural partner to Speed-Boning. With this variation, the competitors will engage in Boning with the opposite goal of lasting as long as possible. The last team still penetrating, without reaching completion, will win the gold.

Competitors are advised to research the Olympic Committee’s list of permitted anti-chafing lotions and moisturizers ahead of time to ensure their nether-bits are well-protected. Audience members are advised not to sit in the front 3 rows of the bleachers for this event.

Olympic Medals

Image: original images: Maix & Pierre de Coubertin (1863-1937) (redrawn by: Pumbaa80); retouched & redesign images: Mboroderivative work: Mboro / CC BY-SA 3.0

Both of these new games will undoubtedly be a blast to watch. The athletes will still have plenty of time to hone-up on their Bone-up skills for next year’s Olympic games. You won’t regret tuning into this historic event, and can even Bone-along with the athletes from home!

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