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Three Ways to Improve The Presidential Debates

Featured Image (above): University of Notre Dame / Public domain

BY PHILLIP I. BUSTER

OCTOBER 7, 2020 8:40 AM

If you missed the first 2020 Presidential Debate last week, suffice to say it was perhaps the most eloquent, sensitive, and meaningfully polite discussion in American history. A true thing of beauty.

Still, this reporter has some suggestions for improvements. With some slight modifications, the next debates can get even better!

Ramp Up Interruptions Now (RUIN!)

Loud and Clear

Image: Gaurav Dhwaj Khadka / CC BY-SA 4.0

Interruptions are great. The debaters agree beforehand to allow the other party a certain time to speak on each issue. Only the very best debaters can then brazenly go back on their word, and thus demonstrate their dominance by interrupting the other speaker at every single opportunity!

Moderation, smoderation. Let’s Ramp Up Interruptions Now! In order to properly RUIN the debates, the speakers’ microphones will exponentially increase in volume with each interruption, so as to appreciate and amplify the helpful effect of interruptions in achieving an effective and valuable debate for the American public. Interrupt on, debaters!

Double Points for Insults

Insulted Face
Insulted Face

Image: Barry Langdon-Lassagne / CC BY 3.0

The American people love a good insult. Yo mama’s a clown!

Insults are another great way for the debaters to assert dominance whilst also entertaining the child-like masses. To that end, each debater will be awarded double points by the moderator for each unique and creative insult made towards the other. Insult on, debaters!

The Loser Must Wear a Borat-Style Mankini Until Election Day

Borat Style Mankini
Borat-Style Mankini

Image: Basile Morin / CC BY-SA 4.0

What good is a debate if there is no winner, no loser, and no punishment for the loser? None, whatsoever!

To really put the pressure on the speakers to perform well, there has to be a good TV-style punishment for the less effective speaker. Thus, the loser will be forced to wear a Borat-style mankini all the way until Election Day.

Give the voters what they want! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?

Protesters

Image: Tom Hilton / CC BY 2.0

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